Just A Few Questions Before You Decide

Greeting. Thanks for turning up on time.
Greeting. Self-deprecating quip.
Acknowledgement. Let's go upstairs.
It looks better than it does online.
Say hello to the current tenant who is only moving out because his wife would prefer it if they both lived in the same house, and now that the conservatives have fortified the economy, he and she can both find work in the same town again.
Carefully-pitched chuckling intended to create the impression that I know all about economies and wives and their just-between-us-three-young-but-mature-men-here outrageous demands.
And when would you prefer to move in?
Slightly after as soon as possible.
And is your monthly income guaranteed indefinitely?
No. But I've at least been getting demonstrably more sensible since my mind collapsed.
Alright. Will you be able to give us all your money quite soon?
Absolutely.
And then a bit more, later?
I can promise to, and then we can see.
And can we legally compel someone else to owe us what you should be paying if, for example, you were to take a sudden and powerful fancy to the purchasing of elaborate liquids?
I'll ask.
And there's no washing machine.
Cleanliness is falsity anyway.
And if any bats move in you can't move them out.
I'm already my employer's Regional Diversity and Tolerance Ambassador.
Was there much bloodshed in that competition?
Not til I turned up.
And how's your citizenship?
Piqued.
And when you last checked yourself for defects, what did you find?
Only the usual.

Same Species Head Biting

Efforts have been made. But we can't get an ear into every mouth.

I'm not prepared.

This could be ideal.

You sound uninterested.

We emerged did we not?

I'll be wanting proof.

We can do a spectacular receipt. May we suggest you begin before we finish?

Well, waking up and having to shower. Couldn't the showering be done while the dreams are occurring?

Better hygiene is one of our priorities going forward.

And a reduction in things to look at and think about.

We express alarm at your estimate of the girth of our remit.

And is it alright if I'm not perpetually astonishing myself?

A morsel of gentle improvement is the suggested weekly dose.

Who's doing the measuring?

It's a sort of consortium. We will send you a notched stick to aid you in what people will soon be calling the getting the hang of things thing. Put it in, remove it, return it using the pre-paid envelope and relax.

I don't remember signing up.

May we remind you of the frequency and malignity of your episodes?

And everyone else I know can only remember a lack of consent.

We have lately been skipping it, in certain cases, in order to better quicklify things.

So what were you insinuating?

It was simple concern, sir. Perhaps there was a context issue. For which, in the event of the need arising, we will apologise.

Thanks?

It's a long game and we're in it to win it. This is a notion on which you might dwell.

Have I mentioned my pulverising schedule?

The post-dwelling remains will be far better spent. Might there be something else before we recede?

A red light in my mouth that flashes when I repeat myself.

A similar thing is in the works. It will be on sale as soon as we are politely distanced from all the chokings.

I didn't really mean it.

There's no need to tremble about innovation meeting convenience.

Ankles On The Other Hand

Can I no. Is there a chance of no. I know it's not allowed but could we no. Have you got a bit more no. Are dogs allowed in the no if we're no. Last time we were here we did that so could we no. Have you got any more no. Could we have a no. Yes. What do you think. I try not to think.

Mobile Fun Order Acknowledgment

An outbreak of twisting at the beach bar. At about midnight. It was then we realised there must be another bank holiday. The French seem to have about three a week. This one was in aid of some Jesus bollocks, I think.The twisters didn't seem holy though. All four of them. The DJ was outside with two racks of equipment for, as far as I could make out, a CD player and a microphone. Between tunes he suavely boomed towards the sea. Imagine Michael Winner was Sean Connery, but French. The twisting happened around the tables and in the street and continued all song long. When the song stopped everyone sat down and the DJ did My Way his way, in English then in French, and as soon as he stopped the entire audience left.
The next day we drove a long way to little sunny dead Rennes. The most happening thing in the city was a flatscreen in a kebab house showing Chelsea vs. Hull. The kebab house guy supported Chelsea, somehow, and the first half was watched. We drove on to an oyster town and discovered what everyone does with all the mandatory free time: they look at temporary, medium-sized statues of The Virgin Mary. With designated viewing areas marked by metal fences. Four more identical ones were placed around the town. Some were more popular than others. We ate some excellent sandwiches.