Tuesday, 2 August 2016


I do yes I do apologise for the plummet. I plan to re-emerge writing only in capital letters on an uninvented format. I'm getting married and we're moving to Aberystwyth. All my jars are tasty.

I picture it like a quarter-screen block of text on the left and some limited options on the right. The block of text would be different every time you loaded the page but there'd be no chronology, title, date, etc.

Wednesday, 6 April 2016

Helicopters / Wagner

Evidently change happens in the background:

Getting married Septmber 3rd.

Applying for MA anywhere.

Moving house to wherever anywhere ends up being.

Would like to meet affordable future.

Most people I work with = six years no pay rise.

Submitted a petition to UK government titled "Privatise the royal family".

Rejected on grounds it was a joke.

I failed to mention I wasn't joking.

So what could they do.

Their hands were tied.

When someone says their hands were tied they mean they didn't want to voice an alternative for fear it might affect their status.

You hear it a lot in the Civil Service.

I'm off.

I thank you for reading.

I hope to re-emerge soon with something gobby and less comprehensible.

Wednesday, 3 February 2016

Catastrophic Towel Approval

My computer exploded. Luckily I was wearing the full-face helmet I always use when internet shopping. I haven't been able to leak any words onto this page until now, on a borrowed Apple "Macintosh", a cold and bastard-shaped horror-box it's impossible to think with. But I should tell you there's a new book out that I wrote, that I mentioned a while ago:

Wednesday, 6 January 2016

Herewith In Respect Of

The workflow management spreadsheet. The performance improvement plan. The good-enough register. The fishbone diagram. The likelihood predictor. The degradation forecast. The snack matrix. The talent bugle. The resentment pipe. The multi-skilling index. The uncertainty tracker. The obedience league. The overtime conundrum. The arrears fudger. The contradiction infuser. The hangover poem. The pay freeze. The patience margin. The flexibility insister. The morale barometer. The fridge.

Tuesday, 15 December 2015

Thin Jacket

When pretending to read my work emails I mark a few as unread as if what with one thing and another I haven't had chance to catch up - people mate, yeah gone right off em, was experimentally enthused for ten years but lately it's been - the screen doesn't stare back and I move the cursor when I hear team player footsteps approach and recede. I maximise the ancient database thing and input one of the three reference numbers I've memorised. B2YG39X is my favourite.

Thursday, 3 December 2015

The Beast is Loose

I wrote a story for Inkymole, who made it into a tremendously-illustrated book-and-record package and it's out now, right now, all over your town like rent and right angles. The record features B. Dolan reading the story over Buddy Peace's music. B has an all-time classic voice and is good at words, Buddy makes proper wholesome sauce.

This feels huge, a bit like I went through a wormhole.

It's available for sale from Unearthed and Juno
And in Germany from deejay
And it's in the internet (yeah in) here.

Thanks for reading.

Monday, 30 November 2015


-Yeah basically a claw scooped me into a situation where I sat watching parcels of time pass unfilled by events.
-Thick disbelief oozes out of our ears.
-And I was supposed to review the parcels but I couldn't really tell one from the other.
-Terrific suspicion billows from our head-holes.
-So I just made some stuff up and gave it to the claw when it came round. And then it stopped coming round so I left.
-And you haven't seen it since, we'll venture?
-I've been avoiding it.
-You can't avoid what doesn't exist.
-We will re-scrutinise your arsenal and formulate a bollocking.
-You can't bollock me as much as I bollock myself.
-We suggest that remains to be seen.