The Lots of Well Then People

This magazine is full of words and some of them this month are mine. Why not print it onto a quiche and funnel it down your tear ducts? There are worse ways to spend a day. The other folk have written things that'll dice your eyelids. You might cry but you won't blink. They paid me in words by JD Nelson and Chad Redden. They squirted these words onto little bits of paper and put them in a bag and this bag ended up on a plane and in a van and in a man's hand and onto the floor under the letterbox just in time for the rain and that was it for the morning. The washing stayed in the machine and the Labrador bollocked itself.

Abundance Somehow Crikey Furtado

The phone won. In the shop I'd gone for the cheapest but in the queue I looked at the shelves again and saw, for not much more, something-something free music and something-something touchscreen. And I thought I like music and I like touching screens. And who's next please and I pointed at it and said that sounds good, hurry up.
But the free music was like you call up your friend and she puts her phone next to the stereo of a deaf horse that doesn't have the internet.
And the touchscreen was like you try to make an omelette and end up snapping your thumbs.
And I can't destroy it because of the Congo in that documentary.
So there's a lesson there in making things do no more than they should.