Tuna Club
I lost a quite good thing. I'd scratched it into some bark with a fingernail. Bark is plentiful since we're murdering all the trees. For safety. They've done nothing yet. But the obese ones could fall onto our tents and skulls if the wind gets pushy.
Obviously we've tried putting them on diets. Special K for breakfast and milkshakes for dinner and 99 pushups at noon and all that. But before you can change you have to want to change, apparently, even if you're a tree. And they just wanted to carry on warping themselves. So we chainsawed their arms off and crippled their trunks and yanked them to the ground with a tractor and butchered them where they lay. Naturally we turned the good bits into stools. A foot of snow came and covered up the rest. It'd been on the weather forecast for a week but we still managed to not expect it.
Obviously we've tried putting them on diets. Special K for breakfast and milkshakes for dinner and 99 pushups at noon and all that. But before you can change you have to want to change, apparently, even if you're a tree. And they just wanted to carry on warping themselves. So we chainsawed their arms off and crippled their trunks and yanked them to the ground with a tractor and butchered them where they lay. Naturally we turned the good bits into stools. A foot of snow came and covered up the rest. It'd been on the weather forecast for a week but we still managed to not expect it.
Unbelievable Sir
It's only minus nine so keep your moaning silent, ninnypants, and get on with what you've got to be getting on with. Alaskans wear t-shirts in this weather and start thinking about what flip-flops to buy when it reaches zero. And it keeps your thoughts fresh and stops your mind stinking. Makes it slower maybe, but weren't you tired of it clattering around up there all morning while you were trying to get some work done?
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