When Public Facing

I put my expensive but not really when you think about how long the blades last and how little blood they shed shaving device in my ear, to see if it could discourage the twigs and parsnips that've lately, sorry, begun to think they live there, because I'm ninety five years old now and this is the kind of thing that happens, or it's a thing that happened ages ago and I only just noticed it after a couple of what may or may not've been ear-directed quizzical micro-glances my way at work, or whatever, I'll take it over wisdom teeth any day or night of the rest of my life thanks.
The blade didn't help the removal though. It helped me to bleed from somewhere I've never bled from before, known to specialists such as myself as the I'm not exactly sure although I studied the bastards at university sir, call it the non-flappy outer ridge shall we, alright yes, this wasn't important to start with and it's only getting less so.

Windermere Behemoth

A beast in the lake. The size of three cars. That's a quote. Skin like a seal and humps like black rainbows. Reclusive, the eighth sighting in sixty years. Lazy you might say. Dossing about underneath all the tourism. A customer this morning bought five copies of the local paper and told how she had seen the monster yonks ago with her ex-husband and she'd been telling the story for years and today's the day people are going to stop disbelieving her after they see the one blurry photo of something that could be anything. It was good to have not-the-weather to talk about. I asked a few people what they believed. Is it going to eat the village? Will there be hullabaloo and t-shirts? If we all got on its back could we ride it out of the recession? There was much discussion, but in the end what people wanted to know was how much their shopping cost and whether or not they could have a bag to put it in.

Mobile Fun Order Acknowledgment

An outbreak of twisting at the beach bar. At about midnight. It was then we realised there must be another bank holiday. The French seem to have about three a week. This one was in aid of some Jesus bollocks, I think.The twisters didn't seem holy though. All four of them. The DJ was outside with two racks of equipment for, as far as I could make out, a CD player and a microphone. Between tunes he suavely boomed towards the sea. Imagine Michael Winner was Sean Connery, but French. The twisting happened around the tables and in the street and continued all song long. When the song stopped everyone sat down and the DJ did My Way his way, in English then in French, and as soon as he stopped the entire audience left.
The next day we drove a long way to little sunny dead Rennes. The most happening thing in the city was a flatscreen in a kebab house showing Chelsea vs. Hull. The kebab house guy supported Chelsea, somehow, and the first half was watched. We drove on to an oyster town and discovered what everyone does with all the mandatory free time: they look at temporary, medium-sized statues of The Virgin Mary. With designated viewing areas marked by metal fences. Four more identical ones were placed around the town. Some were more popular than others. We ate some excellent sandwiches.